Because i didn't have you
by Zlorecile
Summary: What exactly did you want from me Gin? Why did you hesitate? Why? Even in death, you remain a mystery to me... the story of how gin and Rangiku met, up to after the winter war.


I stared at the dirt next to me. How long had I been lying there? This baron wasteland becoming my new home. Would this place, were no plants grew, become my deathbed? I had accepted it, my death that is, my only regret was that it would be in such a place with nobody around. My body, which once felt dry and starving, had gone numb. I was thankful that the pain had subsided. What would become of me after death? I was already here in the soul world, so what came next?

I heard footsteps approaching, but paid no mind. The wind blew harder than ever, my face was whipped by both the dry dirt and my blond hair. How much longer would it be? When would I be released? All I could do was wait now.

something touched my lips. I didn't move. Whatever it was, it didn't matter.

"Eat." a voice commanded. I blinked, not caring to look up and see who it was. Was I hallucinating now? The person hovering over me however, seemed too real for a near death hallucination.

"the fact that you fainted from hunger means that you have it don't you? The power" the voice continued. It was smooth, with an odd accent. The power, I knew what he was talking about. Spiritual power.

"you too?"I asked, looking up at him, only turning my head slightly.

"yeah me too."

He had silver hair, with almost a tint of blue. His skin matched the clouds behind him, his paleness was strengthened by the black robe he wore. He was carrying an armful of dried fruits. My eyes wandered to his face. His smile was so broad that his eyes were practically shut. What a weird boy, I thought.

"my names Gin Ichimaru, nice to meet you." he continued, still holding out the piece of dried fruit to my lips.

"Gin," I tested the sound on my lips. Now turning to face him fully. "what a weird name"

68 years later...

I bowed politely to my new captain. I had just been accepted as his lieutenant. If you didn't know him, you probably would have been disturbed to work under someone who looked like a delinquent who still attended middle school. To me however, this couldn't have been more natural. Captain Hitsugaya was one of the strongest soul reapers, and he was in partnership with the strongest ice Zanpaktou: Hyorinmaru. In truth, i wouldn't ever want to be his enemy. Now that i thought about it he had to be my second favorite captain, second only to gin.

"Rangiku! when are you going to stop daydreaming and come help me with this paperwork?" my captain complained, a vain poking out under his unruly white hair.

"Aww captain, but I just got here! Shouldn't we celebrate with a little sake before we start getting all serious" i begged in my higher voice. Surely he wouldn't deny just a little bit of sake?

"If you want to drink, you can do it after the paperwork is done." he stated, keeping his temper in check. He had already taken his seat at his desk.

"Jesh captain, you're such a killjoy!" i wined. He chose to ignore my comet. I guess I had no choice but to tolerate it. I suppose I _could_ wait until after work.

I rushed through the paperwork, constantly going back to correct my obvious mistakes. I was a little off today, and I didn't want my captain to ask questions. The pile of paperwork slowly decreased until it disappeared altogether.

"Now do you wanna to join me for some sake captain?" I asked as I stretched.

"no I don't," he replied quickly. Jesh he sure was uptight for the youngest captain in history. I'd just have to find a different drinking partner. I quickly retreated to my barracks.

I stared around my room. Pretty little trinkets I had collected over the years cluttered the shelves. My room wasn't exactly clean, and my captain would have had a fit if he saw. My eyes wandered to the shelf which held my most precious possession. My feet started moving before I had told them to.

I reached out my hand hesitantly before picking up a smoothly polished rock, a Vesuvianite. I had received the green gemstone from gin when I had graduated from the academy. I had named it Kitsune (Japanese for fox). Looking at it now, it made me think of how different things had become. He had been fading away from me. Why wasn't he here right now? Shouldn't he at least have come to congratulate me? Did I mean that little to him?

I started putting the rock back, but decided against it. I shoved it in my pocket and turned to leave. I had made a mistake by letting these feeling get the better of me. I needed to go do what I usually did whenever I felt down: drink.

A knock at the door interrupted my thought. Could it be? My heart skipped a beat, I wanted desperately to believe it was him. I straightened my hair, checking in the mirror before going. My hand hesitated only momentarily before swinging it open with a smile.

My smile lessened slightly, but didn't disappear when I saw Hisagi and Kira. My favorite drinking companions. I knew then that gin was not coming.

Years later on Sougyoku hill.

I watched as captain Komamaru demanded an explanation from captain Tousen. No doubt he was suffering inside, his most trusted friend had betrayed him. Everyone in soul society had been betrayed by captain Aizan, Tousen, and... Gin.

He didn't receive one. I had the feeling that none of us would. It took all my strength not to jump in as he released his bankai, only to be tricked by Aizan and fall. And then the person I dreaded came into view. Gin.

Next the ryuka, Renji and Rukia all became active. I could see and hear them, but I was still to far away. I wouldn't reach them in time! Aizan's spiritual energy was acting weird, and it scared me. What was he doing to her? If only I could get there faster.

"Kill her, Gin," Aizan commanded. I wanted to shout, to scream to gin as he called upon his Zanpaktou. Surely he wouldn't really go through with it? To kill Rukia right after she had been proven to be innocent. Nobody could be that cruel. I tried to yell, but nothing would come out. Please gin! Don't do this! Why? Why gin why? He aimed his sword at her, extending the length of it.

I gasped. instead of penetrating her like I had expected, it had stabbed her brother, captain Byakuya. He had used flash-step and arrived faster than me, gin or Aizan had suspected.

Next to arrive, literally falling from the sky, were Jidanbo and a woman I didn't recognize. she wasn't wearing a Shinigami uniform, but I learned immediate that she must have been strong. She called upon a destructive kido, 63, one most seated officers couldn't even manage. She aimed the kido at Aizan. When he dodged, Soi Fon and Yuroichi arrived on scene, trapping him with their Zanpaktou.

I had finally arrived at the scene, and I knew which traitorous scum I would block.

"my, my, their flashy. I wonder what I should do?" gin mused, his fox-like smile on his face the whole time. I didn't think so.

As he raised his hand, I grabbed it, swiftly moving my Zanpaktou beneath his chin. "Don't move" I commanded, both my face and voice as hard as steel. I wouldn't allow myself to express how I was really feeling. His betrayal was slowly destroying me inside. I thought he might fight my captivity, as I knew I couldn't do much to fend of a captain Shinigami such as him, but I felt his wrist relax in my grip. Was this a trick?

"Sorry cap'n Aizan, I got caught." he almost seemed to mock the Shinigami

By now, all the Shinigami lieutenant and captains had arrived All that is except for my captain and lieutenant Hinamori. They were facing death, and it was partially because of the man in front of me. Why hadn't I seen his betrayal coming?

A rumbling noise appeared, coming from above. I looked up, as did all the others. "impossible" someone gasped. The sky was being torn open, riped. A black cloudy mass appeared behind the tare. It had been opened by a Menos grande. Not just one, but over a dozen had appeared, sticking their disgusting heads out of the hole. Followed by streams of light energy. If it wasn't for Yuroichi warning Soi Fon to move away, I probably wouldn't have backed away quick enough. Even so I was later than the others. Not because I wasn't prepared, but because I was reluctant to let go of gins arm. I had an aching feeling that if I let go now, I would never again be able to grasp him. He would become out of my reach. All I could do was watch him lift into the air. Helpless. We couldn't even peruse him. Pathetic.

Gin kept his wrist held up in the same position as he rose. I wanted to tell myself that it was because he wanted to remember my touch, but that would surely be a lie.

"I'm a lil' disappointed. You coulda held on for a lil longer." he said, sounding different. "Farewell Rangiku" time seemed to be moving slowly. He turned around, still wearing his smile, but barely. He seemed...sad. I had never seen him like this before. "sorry," he barely whispered,but it was loud enough for me to hear. My eyes widened. I paid no attention to the other captains and lieutenant I only watched him as he slowly disappeared. Even then, I continued staring into space until captain Ukitake nudged me.

I was informed to return to my barracks, Wandering back, I was surprised that I didn't get lost. What was I to do now. With nobody around I was left in my own thoughts. I was drowning.

1 Week later

I sat leaning against the wall in my quarters. Usually the only time I was here was when I had to do paperwork. This time was different Even though I was off duty, I couldn't think of anything to do. Hell, I couldn't think of anything at all. My brain was a mess. Thought it had been a week sense gin had left me, I found myself unable to forget. The final scene replayed over and over in my mind.

_"i wouldn't have minded being your captive a little longer. Farewell Rangiku, Sorry."_

and then he left me. That's the thing I hate most about you. I sighed. "so stupid" i muttered to myself.

"talking about yourself again?" my captain stated. I hadn't sensed him coming up behind me. I jumped, immediately putting on a fake smile. My problems were my own. No need to bother others about them, especially not my captain. He was going through enough pain of his own, with his best friend Momo in a coma. I knew what I needed to do, I needed to try my best to lessen the burden for others. It was all I could do now.

1 year later:

and we were defeated. I lay on the ground among others. Even captain Yamamoto had been defeated. Every captain that we had brought here in the real world had fought to their fullest, overcome the espada. They had found new powers and strength in unsuspected places. We had all come so far, but were defeated by Aizan so easily. Tousen had been defeated, but gin and Aizan were still left. they were the only ones left. I watched,barely conscious. What did it mater though? What could I do against someone that had defeated all of the captains without sweating. Now Ichigo's father was fighting, a man I had only met once, from a distance. I wasn't sure how he was a soul reaper, but he was not weak, he was fighting Aizan, and he wasn't dead yet. He was on par with a captain. It was impressive.

The sky was filled with smoke. Smoke from a new battle. I could sense Ichigo spiritual pressure. Not just his though, someone else too. As the wind blew the dust and smoke, I was able to glimpse a white outfit. And then, in another burst of wind, I could see his face. Gin? That sneering demon of a man. There he was.

Several large blast occurred. In my weakened state I was barely able to sense Yuroichi and Ukitake's spiritual pressure. They must be fighting now as well. I hoped that maybe, just maybe they could do what none of us were able to before. Perhaps they could put an end to this madness and stop Aizan Not just Aizan though, gin. He needed to be stopped, to be saved.

As I waited however, their spiritual pressure began to fade. I began to doubt that they would be able to win this battle. It was foolish to leave such a task up to someone else. I knew what I needed to do. If they weren't able to save gin, then I would. I hated him, but more than that I loved him. I loved him enough to kill him. It was something I needed to do. I owed gin this much.

Summoning what was left of my strength I began to stumble through the streets. I had been healed, but only enough to keep me alive. I could only think of one thing however, and that was Gin. I quickened my pace, holding onto my side were I had been injured. It hurt. It hurt so bad, but that pain was nothing compared to what my heart was going through.

No mater my efforts, I couldn't keep the tears from coming forth. I had told myself I wouldn't cry. So many times I had refrained from crying. Why was it only this time? "Gin," I gasped while running. I called out his name with all my effort. "Gin, Gin, Gin!"

I only wished for him to hear me. He would not. Never again would he hear me, that was how low he had sunken. I gasped. The spiritual pressure of both Yuroichi and Kisuke had all but disappeared. I was getting closer, close enough to see Aizan heading back to soul society. No! Everyone there was going to meet the same fate as here! Not a single captain was left, and all but one lieutenant How was I going to stop this? What could I do? I was such an idiot!

Then I saw it. Ichigo and his dad. They were talking, and I was now close enough to hear there words.

"it's no use, theres no way we can protect Katakura town," Ichigo was arguing, voicing my own thoughts. He was right.

"you don't know that!" his dad yelled back. I stopped, watching.

"YES I DO!" was Ichigo's response. "YOU FELT IT, DIDN'T YOU? THERE'S NO WAY WE CAN BEAT A FREAK WITH REIATSU LIKE THAT!" he sounded desperate and pathetic. He sounded like me. I stopped listening for a moment to sulk in my own incompetence. Wasn't he right? Was it really all hopeless? Should we just give up?

"what will you do if you don't come?" he asked. I knew that he was aware of my presence, and it felt like he was talking to both Ichigo and me. "will you sit here and cry?"

would I? "WILL YOU SIT HERE AND CRY THAT YOU COULDN'T PROTECT ANYONE?" he demanded. "think about what it means that Aizan is heading for Katakura in soul society. If you don't go, it means that everyone you wanted to protect, and everyone else in Katakura as well, will die by his hand.

He was right. I felt my resolve strengthen. What was the use in living if there was nothing left to live for, if everything and everyone I had once held dear diminished? I realized then that I'd rather follow them and die, than survive in a puddle of self pity and nothingness. I had a duty, the duty to protect the innocent lives in the soul society. A duty to protect Katakura town, and a duty to protect Gin.

As Ichigo's father opened the sekaimon, I didn't hesitate sneaking in behind. As I followed, I began to notice something rather strange. So too, did Ichigo's dad. He voiced it before I could, saying that he couldn't sense the koutotsu In the Dangai. He went on to say how in the Dangai, the gate between worlds, time was unimportant. However long I needed, I could take in there. When one year pases in the outside worlds, 2,000 would have passed in here. They were going to stay here for 3 months to train, just one day outside. I would be doing the same, but far away. I didn't want to be disturbed by Ichigo's spiritual pressure, and I didn't want mine disturbing him. I had three months, three months to learn it.

I told myself that if Ichigo had done so in 2 days, learning bankai in three months should be something I can do. I needed to stop contemplating so much, and get to work. For the next three months I was going to be training, learning how to save a life.

3 months later:

I was fully healed, fully trained and fully prepared in both body and mind. Ichigo and his father had already left yesterday, so now it was my turn. I walked with my head held high towards the door. Not thinking about what I would meet on the other side.

I don't know what I was expecting. Shades of gray perhaps, or rain, or fires burning in the forest's. Everything looked the same. It was quiet except for the animal's which scurried about. The sunny weather illuminated everything green. It was beautiful to be honest, after spending 3 months in the Dangai. I felt like I should have been at ease to be home, but I knew it wasn't possible.

I could imagine how I would be greeted any other time, annoyance from my captain for skipping out on my duty, a cheerful greeting from Yachiru wanting snacks, and Kira and Hisagi would be making the next drinking appointment. I only wish that that was how things were once again. I wanted to go back in time, and relish what we had together.

My uptight captain Hitsugaya was facing death, if he wasn't dead already. The same went for Kira and Hisagi and Momo The only person I wasn't terribly worried about was Yachiru. Kenpachi was strong, and unless he encountered someone as strong as Aizan, he was still alive. Kenpachi would protect Yachiru with his life, everyone in soul society knew that -even if he didn't admit it- but if things continued like this, not even Yachiru's safety would be guaranteed.

I was waisting time, time I didn't have. I focused, trying to feel the spirit energy of anyone. I must have been searching to broadly however, because I couldn't pick any up. It was easier for someone to pick up on a spiritual energy they were familiar with. I didn't want to, but I found myself focusing on Gin's. It was a little ways away, but somehow it seemed as if he was getting closer. Was he heading my way? I stopped thinking, and instead focused on heading that way.

My eyes were stinging as I ran, but I ignored them. No way would I give into my emotions, not yet. U stopped running when I came to a clearing little ways away from were I had sensed him before. I couldn't sense Aizan or Ichigo or his father, so I figured Gin must have been gone. I peered around, hiding from behind a large tree. I wanted to catch him by surprise.

Suddenly I felt something on my head, it only took a moment to realize what it was. A hand. I whipped around only to stare into the face of the man i had been hunting. How had I not sensed him? Was he using some sort of trick to mask his spiritual pressure? I wouldn't put it past Aizan to come up with something like that.

"well now, It ain't very like you to be sneakin' 'round like this, Ran-chan."

I jumped back. "Don't you dare act so formal with me you traitorous bastard" I hardened my face. This was my duty. Revenge for my captain, for my friends, for the innocents.

He opened his eyes ever so slightly at my cold tone, exposing his red pupils. Just like a monster. He was still smiling. Nothing about him had changed.

"now, now, no need to be getting all feisty. Why don't we just talk this all out?" he soothed.

I couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic or not. I didn't care. "Draw your Zanpaktou!" I threatened, holding mine out towards his neck.

"Ran-chan., how could you be so cold to your dearest friend?" he mused, I was almost sure he was mocking me.

"SHUT-UP! Don't you dare call me Ran-chan. or friend ever again. You lost that right when you decided to betray m- us." I spat, anger seeping out. "No, I think you lost the right to do so even before that..." I added under my breath. When I looked up again, his smile was gone.

"if your not going to draw your Zanpaktou, I'll strike you down were you stand" I continued to threaten. His shoulders seemed to sag, and then tense up. Finally he was taking my seriously.

I doubted he would make the first move, so I went ahead. Lunging forward with my blade I pretended to aim left of his head, but at the last moment twisted my sword to bring it across the throat. He dodged easily, as I had expected him to. I wanted to test his abilities first, understand his strength I felt ashamed that I hadn't paid attention to his fighting styles before. How was I to know that one day we'd be enemies?

The next move was his. Whispering his release, he shot his sword across the field straight at me, I blocked it with my sword. This move was all too familiar, before when defending Momo from him,we had done the exact same move. The only difference was that this time my sword didn't crack under his spiritual pressure

And so it went. He was still stronger than me, but not by as much and my determination to defeat him made up for the rest. Blocking and countering attacks, we were at an impasse. For what seemed like hours we fought, growing tired all the while. Before I noticed, the sky had grew dark, making the fight even more difficult. I couldn't give up though. couldn't I lose.

I summoned all my spirit energy into an attack, focusing on sharpening my blade with it. "BANKAI!" I shouted, satisfied by the surprise on Gin's face. I know it didn't look much different, but in truth my sword was now a million grains of deadly sand that barely stuck together. I could manipulate the size and shape of it at will. If he tried to block my blade, it would simply move around his thin Zanpaktou. It was a sword you couldn't block. I looked at him smugly. He wasn't smiling, but his eyes were still shut.

I lunged for him with all my strength

9_0 years ago, sitting in a cabin in the woods._

_ "hey, Gin?" _

_ "mm, yea?" ._

_ "do you love me?" _

_ "mm? I guess so.." _

_ "in what way?"_

_ "like family I guess."_

_ "oh..."_

_ "what's wrong?"_

_ "nothing, I just I love you."_

_ "you're an odd one"_

_ "i know..."_

he slowly moved to dodge.

8_6 years ago_

_ "gin, why do you focus on your powers so much?"_

_ "to become stronger"_

_ "should I?"_

_ "no, your fine jus' how you are"_

_ "what does that mean?"_

_ "jus' don' worry 'bout it, I'll become strong enough for both o' us, how's that?"_

_ "i don't know..."_

_ "trust me, kay?"_

_ "... I do. I'd trust you with my life." _

I couldn't tell if I was going to land the blow. It was too close. I closed my eyes.

_ 70 years ago laying on the floor of the cabin._

_ "did you stay up all this time waiting fo' me?"_

_ "um, no..."_

_ "your lying"_

_ "are you mad? I didn't mean to I just..."_

_ "mm?"_

_ "i thought you might not come back.."_

_ "don' worry 'bout things like that."_

_ "will you come back?"_

_ "whatcha talkin bout?"_

_ "will you always come back to me?"_

_ "...'course"_

_ "no matter what?"_

_ "yea"_

_ "promise?"_

_ "yea"_

_ "you have to promise. You can't break a promise."_

_ "... alright, I promise."_

_ "i love you gin..."_

_ "..."_

My blade collided with air. Nothing. He had managed to dodge. I went flying past him, exposed. I couldn't manage to bring my hands up in time to catch myself. In a second he was on me. He raised his sword to strike, as did I. If we died, we'd die together.

_ 69 years ago:_

_ "why are ya crying Ran-chan?"_

_ " I had a nightmare..."_

_ "what 'bout?"_

_ "you... I was crying but you didn't wake up!"_

_ "sorry, guess I didn't hear ya."_

_ "no, in my dream, you didn't wake up..."_

_ "mm..."_

_ "what if my dream came true?"_

_ "it won't"_

_ "but... but if I lost you I'd die too."_

_ "you shouldn say that"_

_ "why? it's true, your all I have."_

_ "like I said, there's no way I would die."_

_ "how can you be so sure?"_

_ "...cause I have the person I love with me"_

_ "mm, what did you way?"_

_ "nothing..."_

_ "thats not fair you were to quiet, how was I supposed to hear?"_

_ "...it was nothin' important, don worry Ran-chan."_

he hesitated inches above my chest before turning the blade and striking the ground next no me. Less than a Second later he was ran through by my blade.

What? He hesitated and... "why?" I whispered.

"guess I missed, sorry Ran-chan."

I stared up at him. My sword disintegrated, the sand fell about me. He missed? No, he had obviously moved his blade. Why? I couldn't think of what to say. He had... but...

I watched in horror as on his chest his white outfit turned red and Warm drops fell onto mine. He wasn't smiling anymore. Something wet doped onto my cheek. Blood? No, it was something else. I gasped. A single tear had flown down his cheek.

"guess it was cause I didn' have you..." he muttered. I didn't understand

"gin..."

"you really shouldn't cry, you know I hate sad stories."

I hadn't been aware of the silent tears poring out. Gin slowly closed his eyes, staring at me all the while my throat felt dry. "Gin...?"

"thanks Ran-Chan, I'm sorry."

with that, he went limp, falling upon my body.

"gin? Gin? Why?... goddammit gin you idiot! WHY?" I cried out the the heavens. "WHY! WHY! WHY! WHY DIDN'T YOU TAKE ME WITH YOU? WHY?"

I had succeeded, now that I noticed it, so had Ichigo, though I didn't know how. I didn't care. I had no plans of moving from were I was. With Gins... his b-body laying on top of me. It was done. The soul society would be alright. My job was done.

And I wept. I cried for the dead Shinigami, I cried in self pity, but mostly I cried for gin. Everything we had shared, how at one point he had been my whole world. that I wasn't able to save him any other way. I knew it was pathetic, as a Shinigami I had been taught to disown my emotions. I was taught that emotions only get in the way. How right they were.

"GIN!" I hollered once more before collapsing from exhaustion and sorrow.

2 months later

"Rangiku, we need to go to the ceremony..." I heard a gentle voice call me. I looked up to see captain Hitsugaya prodding me. Ceremony? ah... the acceptance ceremony. Izuru Kira, Momo Hinamori, Shuhei Hisagi, and Chojiro Sasakibe were to be promoted to captains, and Jushiru Ukitake had already become the new head captain in place of Shigekuni Yamamoto. Life was continuing in spite of everything. Everyone was recovering and acting as if things were back to normal. But they never would be...

"Rangiku?" the voice prodded again.

I nodded, rising to follow behind my captain outside. The sun was shinning, yet I felt so cold.

The next time I looked up, I was standing in the conference hall. Had it begun? Ended? Some people casted glances in my direction, with a sad expression. Why did they have such an expression when they looked at me? Everyone did.

When it was over I started to follow my captain back to the barracks "no, you're off-duty for the rest of the day."

I stopped. Nodded and wandered away. I could feel captain Hitsugaya eyes on my back. I kept walking until I bumped into Hisagi

"oh, Matsumoto, I got promoted today,he-he" I looked at his new robe. I nodded, trying to smile.

"h-hey Matsumoto!" another voice called. I looked over to see Kira. "he-he, guess I'm supposed to start acting all official and such." he joked. I stared at his new robe. Captain of squad three.

"Matsumoto?" Kira called.

I started. I hadn't seen my hand wander down to his white robe. I stood there staring at me grip. I looked up at him with wide eyes. My cheeks felt wet. Had I cried? I let go of him and touched my cheeks instead. They were still dry. Thankfully.

"Matsumoto, can we talk?" captain Kira asked. I didn't want to, but it would be easier to agree. I nodded. Following him to our usual drinking spot.

" do you want some sake?"

I shook my head no. he put the bottle back.

"Matsumoto, I'm worried about you..." he started, looking into my eyes. I turned away. "i know what happened, well not all of it, but Ichigo's dad informed me of the battle."

how had his dad known? Were they watching? Did they see it all?

"anyways, I... I just don't like how you've become. When was the last time you looked in a mirror?" I couldn't remember. " I mean, just look at yourself! You've lost weight, I never see you eat. You're wearing your robe appropriately and you've stopped talking completely!" he sighed.

I didn't respond. How could he know?how could anyone know how I felt?

"please Matsumoto, just say something!" he would give up soon, everyone else had.

"Matsumoto, I knew gin well," I flinched at his name. " the gin you knew, was the one before you guys came here. The one I knew, was the captain. even though i didn't know everything he was feeling, I do know this: you were different to him..."

I shook me head violently. If I was special to him, he never would have left me. Right?

"you were. He was always watching you. Remember that time on sokuoku hill? That was the only time I ever saw him show us his true emotions. He wasn't smiling when he left you, he was upset in earnest. He cared for you."

I shook my head again.

"why won't you accept it? He loved you. He didn't leave you because he wanted to see you suffer! He loved you!"

I covered my ears. I couldn't listen to this, lest I start to believe these lies. His gentle yest strong hands brought my arms down. I refused to meet his eyes.

"he left you alive so that you could live haply. He wouldn't want to see you like this. Why else would he hesitate before killing you? He wouldn't want this."

that final scene replayed in my head. He could have killed me, he could have killed me.

_ "guess it was 'cause I didn' have you..." he muttered. I didn't understand_

_ "gin..." _

_ "ya really shouldn' cry, ya know I hate sad stories."_

_ I hadn't been aware of the silent tears poring out. Gin slowly closed his eyes, staring at me all the while my throat felt dry. "Gin...?"_

_ "thanks Ran-Chan, I'm sorry."_

what had he meant by that? Why? Did he really care for me? But... wasn't it cause he wanted me to live in misery, because of what I had done to him? He was smart and must have knew that instead of killing me, letting me live would be a far better revenge? Why? Why was it that even in death I couldn't understand him? What did he want from me?

But, what if, by some chance he actually did care for me like captain Kira said...? could that be why he said those words? He said sorry. Perhaps he was grateful that I had freed him from that fate. That would make more sense than-

I stood up abruptly. I couldn't believe I had actually begun to think of such things.

"Please..." captain Kira caught my arm, "please snap out of it, if not for yourself, do it for me. Do it for Yachiru, for captain Hitsugaya, for captain Hitsugaya! Do it for Gin!"

my hands once again found there way to my ears. I wondered if I was crying, I couldn't tell. I couldn't feel.

"Matsu-"

"N-NO!"i shouted, surprised by how hard it was to talk after two months of silence. "NO! Th-this is his revenge... I can at least give him this little comfort in death!" I tried to convince. Who? I didn't know.

"you're an idiot if you think that!" a cheerful little voice chirped behind me. I spun around to face Zaraki Kenpachi with Yachiru on his back.

I opened my eyes wide with surprise.

"Oy, she's right for once, you really are dumb!" Zaraki chipped in.

"yeah, even Kenny thinks that gin loved you, and Kenny doesn't like thinking!" the pink haired vice captain exclaimed cheerfully, only to receive a scowl from Kenpachi

What were they all saying. Was it possible?

"think back to all the times that you lived with gin before all of this," my captain and Hisagi appeared "did you every doubt that he loved you? So why are you doubting it now. If anything, you're not giving gin rest in death, you're only hurting him more!" my captain continued. I looked around the room to see nods, a particularly enthusiastic one from Yachiru

Could this be? Was I only hurting his resting soul? Then.. that time when he told me that I shouldn't cry, that he hates sad stories, was he talking about now?

"i-is it- possible?" I asked the heavens. "gin? D-did you?" how could I have known? My vision went black as I felt hands catch me...

5 years later...

Today was the day. I would finally move on from Gin. I looked at myself in the mirror. The long white dress fit me perfectly. I smiled a sad smile. I would have preferred to wear this dress for Gin, but that was not meant to be. I turned to face Momo.

"you look gorgeous!" she exclaimed. "he'll love it!"

"thanks Momo, I appreciate this..."

I turned to wait for the music which would cue my walk. Hitsugaya came up to my side.

"i can't believe you're making me give you away. What am I. You're dad?" he complained. He had hit a growth sprout the previous year, but he still wasn't as tall as me. It did look a little funny. I smiled at him.

I took a deep breath. I stared up to heaven, wondering if gin was watching me. It had been exactly 5 years, 4 months and 13 days since we had parted. I now knew that it wasn't something I could fight. Our story had ended, the book was filled. It was a sad story, yes, but there were happy chapters. Until recently, I hadn't been able to close our book, but today I would.

The music had started. It was time to meet my future. I knew that Hisagi was waiting for me.

I smiled as a single tear rolled down my cheek.


End file.
